trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
