I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
