you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
