Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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