You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
