I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
