we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
