i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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