She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
