did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
