I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
God, I missed his penis.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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