mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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