News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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