John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
