she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You ruined the universe
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
