Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
