She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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