i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
