I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
