I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
