two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
