were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
