i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
