I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
