sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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