Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize