I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
