; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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