My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
