fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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