Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize