I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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