If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
