Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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