party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
