I just saw a hot homeless man
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
should my penis look like a turkey
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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