the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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