i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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