shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
