I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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