I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
