Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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