I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Operation Purity has been aborted
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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