his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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