I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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