Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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