I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
