I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
