This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
