I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
