I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
