My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
