so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
