Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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