we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
