yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
