Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
