I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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