Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
