Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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