Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
