I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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