They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
