just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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